When I was in the 3rd grade I tried to take my life. Downing an assortment of pills, I expected to go to sleep and cease to exist, but all I got for my efforts was a massive headache and confirmation that I was truly a failure.
Bullied at school, ignored at home, my childhood was anything but pleasant. A mother who was never there, a father who had abandoned me, and siblings who made it their life’s goal to torment me sent me into a tailspin. Molested multiple times by different people, subjected to cruel and inhumane beatings for merely existing, told repeatedly that I was stupid, ugly and fat, led me to self-mutilation, and two more attempts to take my life.
It also made me desperate.
In high school, I finally found a tribe. But it was the wrong tribe. They offered me friendship but it was at the expense of my soul. They kept me well supplied with alcohol, so much so that I couldn’t function without it. I even started sneaking it into school in a thermos to get me through the day. I also got hooked on sex. It was a temporary fix for a broken heart that never found satisfaction. I wanted to get pregnant because then I would have someone who truly, completely, loved me. Thank God it never happened.
When I was sixteen I nearly accomplished my goal. I almost drank myself to death. Snuck out of the house, partying hard, sucking down one beer after another until they threw my passed out body on the bed to sleep it off. My mother, thank God, listened to a voice that told her she had to find me and so she searched until she did. I woke up in the hospital. My blood alcohol was three times the legal limit when she brought me in. Lethal. If she hadn’t found me I wouldn’t be here today.
Even after that, I wanted to drink, but my mother kicked me out and sent me to live with an older sister in Arizona. I came with plans on running away, continuing my full run into the darkness of my depression. I hated my mom. I hated my sister. I hated everyone and everything. But mostly, I hated myself.
And then it happened.
Today of all days. 33 years ago today. It was January 26, 1987, the day that changed my life.
My sister took me to church, and I resisted for a week, but today something changed. I could no longer deny that God was the One that I had been searching for. All my life I just wanted someone to love me, not for what I could do for them, but simply for who I was.
There was an altar call. It sounds so simple to say that I answered it because it was so much more than that. I dove into it, headfirst and without hesitation, because for a week I had been hearing the whispers of a God who said He loved me. Me! Bruised and broken, used up and tossed to the side, hateful and so angry, who treated people like dirt and only did things if it benefited me. And God said it didn’t matter. He loved me in spite of all my flaws and shortcomings, and yes, my sins.
So I prayed, I begged Him to forgive me…and then…Jesus did just that. I felt it, that hard rock I called my heart, I felt it melt under the greatest love I had ever felt. I felt warmth, and joy and peace, such peace as I had never felt! I remember sitting at that altar laughing like a little girl, my heart felt so clean!
God found me and I found Him.
The road since then hasn’t always been easy, I’ve had more than my share of trials and upsets, but I have to say, not once has God ever left me. Not once has He ever abused me or treated me like dirt. In 33 years of walking out my Faith, I can truly say that I am in love with Him more now than I was then.
So…that’s my story. To those of you who have stuck through this post to the end…thank you! I know it’s a little longer than I usually post, and I’ve tried rewriting it but can never get it short enough! Please, hang on for just a few more sentences. I want to ask you something.
Do you know Christ? Have you invited Him into your life and heart? Do you know what it feels like to find forgiveness, and hope, and joy, and peace…completely and without restraint? I won’t push, but, if you are tired of your life, if you’re struggling to just put one foot in front of the other to live another day, then would you consider trying God? It doesn’t take long, nothing fancy or drawn out, just a prayer.
Say this, in your own words… Dear Jesus, please forgive me. I am sorry for my sins. Come into my life, change me, cleanse me, help me to live for You. Thank You for giving Your life for me on the cross, thank You for saving me, and please Lord, help me to live for You. Amen.
That’s it! If you are celebrating my anniversary with your own salvation story, please consider sharing it! Post a comment, or send me a message, but please let me know so that I can pray for you!