A few years ago someone close to me, someone that I thought I could trust with my whole heart, turned her back on me. But not only that, this person enlisted the help of someone else in my life, and together they began a systematic attempt at destroying my credibility, my reputation, my friendships, and my family ties. And even though it’s been years, I’m still not certain why.
I wish I could say that over the years it’s gotten 100% better. Sure, their attacks eventually stopped, but only because I had to get a restraining order against them. And there are times when I can go for weeks or months without those emotions coming back to slap me across the face, but then, they come back. Little things trigger me…birthdays, holidays, something good happens and the first urge I get is to pick up the phone.
And then suddenly, I’m back.
Back to the day when I realized they had packed up their belongings in the dead of night and left. No word. No explanation. Just a text the next day telling me they never wanted to hear from me again. It hurts. My emotions go through the wringer again, and again. I run through them like water and still there doesn’t seem to be an end.
Why am I telling you this?
Because grief doesn’t always have an end, and sometimes, we Christians try to pretend it does. Not only that, but Christian’s tend to be the worst at sympathy for those in the trenches.
I’ve been told over the years so much ‘advice’ that it makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve been told it’s been years, you should be over it by now. I’ve been told, who cares what they think of you, it’s what God thinks of you that matters. I’ve been told to stop talking about it, because it doesn’t do any good to bring it up, again. I’ve been accused of not being forgiving enough, or that, yes, somehow it was my fault for what happened because if I’d have been a better Christian she would still be in my life.
Well, I’m here to say…ENOUGH.
Stop with the platitudes. Stop treating my grief as meaningless because it doesn’t fit your narrative or timeline, or it makes you uncomfortable. Stop telling me to stuff it down and think about other things. Stop invalidating my pain because you think I should be over it.
The truth is I’m not over it. I’m not even sure I ever will be. I hope to be. I want to be. But…I don’t need lectures, or advice, what I need is a listening ear. I need someone to just put an arm around my shoulder and let me cry it out if I need to. No judgment. No condemnation. No answers. I just need some of that good old fashioned love of God we Christians are always talking about.
The Bible says in Psalm 34:18…”The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
If you’re grieving, please know this, God sees you. He loves you. He understands your heart. There is no condemnation for your grief. There is no timeline. He will heal your broken heart. It may take years, but one day, it will get better. I promise. Take it from someone who is still there.
And if you know someone who is grieving, be God’s arms. We who are grieving do not need your words, we simply need your love, because in doing so, you are showing us God’s love. Wrap that person in love, patience, and with no expectations. Be the one who God uses to heal, not hurt, because that’s what Jesus would do.
God doesn’t set a timeline on grief, so Christian, why should you?